老友记第一季剧本21,The,One,With,The,Fake,Monica

　121 The One With The Fake Monica

　[Scene: Monica and Rachel"s, everyone is looking at papers.] Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number? Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent! Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought. Monica: I know. It"s just such reckless spending. Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they"ve kind of already thrown caution to the wind. Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop. Monica: That"s me. Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he"s doing it again! (Points to a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa) Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- (Marcel runs toward Rachel"s room) come here, Marcel- Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I"ll get him. Monica: Ross, you"ve got to do something about the humping. Ross: What? It"s, it"s just a phase. Chandler: Well, that"s what we said about Joey... Ross: Would you all relax? It"s not that big a deal. Rachel: (Out of shot) Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey! Ross: What? Rachel: Let"s just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel"s, late at night Monica is still examining her bill as Rachel emerges from her room.] Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing. Monica: This woman"s living my life. Rachel: What? Monica: She"s living my life, and she"s doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I"m intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies. Rachel: You"re not an artist. Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don"t. Rachel: Oh, Monica, c"mon, you do cool things. Monica: Oh really? Okay, let"s compare, shall we. Rachel: (Yawning) Oh, it"s so late for "Shall we"... Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School? Rachel: (Yawning) Nooo... Monica: This is so unfair! She"s got everything I want, and she doesn"t have my mother. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names.] Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi? Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that"s more neutral. Chandler: Joey... Switzerland? 121 假莫妮卡

　怎有人知道你的信用卡号码? 我也不知道 你看他们花了多少钱 摩妮卡，冷静一下好吗? 信用卡的人说 你只须付你所买的东西 我知道，他真是挥霍无度 我想他偷去你的信用卡时 根本就已忘了王法 真是个变态 花了69•95元买”神奇拖把” 我买的 真的，它又来 马修，别再侵犯那盏灯了 马修，回来… 不，又到我房里了 我去抓它出来 罗斯，你得想办法阻止 什么?这只是个阶段 我们当时也是这么说乔伊的 你们冷静点行吗? 这又没什么了不起 马修，停，坏猴子 又怎么了? 我只能说 我的好奇乔治玩偶不再好奇 摩妮卡，你还是无法释怀 这女人过着我的生活 什么? 她过着我的生活 而且过得比我好，看 她买的戏票是我一直想看的戏 她买的衣服是我早就想买的 她花了三百块买艺术用品 你又不是艺术家 如果有艺术用品 我或许已是个艺术家 我本来可以的，只是现在不是 导演：盖尔曼库索 摩妮卡，别泄气 你做的工作很酷 真的?我们来做比较，好吗? 现在说”好吗”有点太迟了 我到过公园骑马吗? 我在新学校上过课吗? 没有 这太不公平了

　(The waitress brings their coffee.) Joey: Plus, y"know, I think it should be Joe. Y"know, Joey makes me sound like I"m, I dunno, this big. (Waitress looks at him funny) Which I"m not. Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin? Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar. Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me... Joey: (Writes it down) Joe Stalin. Y"know, that"s pretty good. Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph. (Joey visibly thinks "Of course!" and writes it down.) Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you"d remember that! Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof. [Scene: Monica and Rachel"s, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter.] Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. Monica: Hi. (On the phone) Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I"m taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were. Phoebe: What are you doing? Monica: (Hushes her) Alright, great. Thanks a lot. (Hangs up) I"m going to tap class. Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card? Monica: This woman"s got my life, I should get to see who she is. Rachel: Go to the post office! I"m sure her picture"s up! ...Okay, Monica, y"know what, honey, you"re kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing. Phoebe: This is madness. It"s madness, I tell you, for the love of God, Monica, don"t do it!! ...Thank you. [Scene: A Tap Class, the girls are standing at the door.] Monica: What d"you think? Phoebe: Lotsa things. (They go in and sit down.) Rachel: Which one do you think she is? (The teacher comes up to them.) Teacher: May I help you? Monica: Oh, no thanks, we"re just here to observe. Teacher: You don"t observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there. Rachel: What does she mean? Phoebe: I think she means (Imitates) "You dance a dance class". Oh, c"mon, c"mon. (They put on some spare shoes) Monica: Okay, d"y"see anybody you think could be me? Teacher: (To the class) People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let"s not have that happen again! Rachel: She could be you. (Music starts) Teacher: Let"s get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight... (Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders) Monica: Okay, I"m not getting this! Phoebe: (Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way) I"m totally getting it! 她拥有我想要的一切 而且她没有我妈 乔依帕波尼如何? 不好，太有种族意味了 我的经纪人认为 我该取个中立一点的名字 乔伊瑞士? 而且，我应该就是乔 乔伊让我感觉… 这么大 我不是 乔…乔斯大林? 斯大林，我认识这名字吗? 听得很熟悉. 我没印象 乔斯大林，这名字很好 或许你想试试乔瑟夫 乔瑟夫斯大林 我好像记得这个名字 ”别了，鸟儿”乔瑟夫斯大林主演 ”屋顶上的提琴手”中的乔瑟夫史达林 对，我是摩妮卡格勒 我想有在你们那里上课 我想知道是哪些课 你在干什么? 太好了，谢谢 我要去上踢踏舞课 这样你就可以 和偷你信用卡的人一起上课? 这女人偷走了我的生活 我应该去看看她是何方神圣 去邮局看 我想她的照片会公布的 摩妮卡，你有点失去理智了 你被这件事所完全操控 这叫疯狂 上帝保佑，摩妮卡别这么做 谢谢 你们怎么认为? 很多 你认为是哪一个? 我能帮你们什么吗? 我们是来参观的 舞蹈课不是参观来的 舞蹈课来跳舞的 那儿有舞鞋 什么意思? 我想她是叫我们进去跳 真的? 好吧

　Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated? (Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class) Rachel: What? You just click when they click. Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner. (The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it) Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I"m with Rachel. Monica: Great. It"s gym class all over again. Phoebe and Rachel: Aww. Teacher: Well that"s all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me. Monica: Why don"t I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare. (She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in) Woman: It"s okay, it"s okay, I"m here, I"m here. Sorry I"m late, okay, here I am. Who"s the new tense girl? Teacher: She"s your partner. Woman: Hi. I"m Monica. Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I"m Mo- ...nana. Woman: (Fake Monica) Monana? Monica: Yeah. It"s Dutch. Fake Monica: You"re kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. (Asks her something in Dutch) Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch. Teacher: And we"re dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight... [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering.] Ross: (Mortified) Hi. Chandler and Joey: Hey. Joey: Where"ve you been? Ross: At the vet. Chandler: She"s not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she? Ross: She says Marcel"s humping thing"s not a phase. Apparently he"s reached sexual maturity. Joey: (To Chandler) Hey! He beat ya. Ross: She says as time goes on, he"s gonna start getting agressive and violent. Chandler: So what does this mean? Ross: I"m gonna have to give him up. Commercial Break [Scene: Central Perk, scene continued from earlier.

　They guys are sitting there like the Three Monkeys.] Joey: I can"t believe it, Ross. This sucks! Chandler: I don"t get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already? Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he"s this little thing, and before you know it, he"s this little thing I can"t get off my leg. Joey: Isn"t there any way you can keep him? Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he"s in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin," he"s just gonna get vicious. I"ve just gotta get him into a zoo. Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo? Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that"s Popes into a Volkswagen. 有看见我的分身吗? 各位，上回有人在教室留下酸乳空瓶 希望别再发生那种事 她可能是你 开始吧 我跟不上 我完全融人 你不会觉得 自己有时毫无协调感吗? 怎么了? 只要他们踢的时候你踢就是了 各位找个舞伴 我死去的妈说就是你 我和瑞秋 这下可好 体育课的旧事又重演了 无所谓，你过来和我一起跳 我何不脱下衣服来场恶梦? 没关系，我来了抱歉，我迟到 我来了 那个紧张的新人是谁? 你的舞伴 我叫摩妮卡 摩妮卡 我叫摩娜娜 摩娜娜? 对，是荷兰人的名字 你在开玩笑吧 我在阿姆斯特丹住了三年 我是宾州的荷兰人 开始吧 你上哪儿去了 我刚从兽医回来 她没叫你戴那种塑胶套吧? 她说马修乱性不是暂时的 显然它已性成熟 嘿,它找过你呢 她说它会越来越暴力 侵略性越强 这代表什么? 我们不能再养它了 我真不敢相信，这真是太扯了 我不懂，你才刚养它 它怎会突然性成熟? 我知道，之前它只是个小东西 不知不觉中它就紧抓住我的腿不放 你没有任何办法再饲养它吗? 没办法 她说除非有个地方让它获得正常的猴爱 它会变得愈来愈残暴

　Ross: Well, we"re applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y"know, like, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y"know, he"s out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that"s a possibility. Chandler: Yeah, but that"s like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it"s a total party zoo. (Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel enters.) Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl. Chandler: What? Joey: Did you call the cops? Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch. Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante ju...